Top Ten Things Conservatives Want to Conserve…

10. Draconian Drug Laws – Conservatives love the idea of people serving lengthy prison sentences for possession of small amounts of illegal drugs, because certainly, these people cause more problems for society than rich people who ceaselessly manipulate the financial system to consolidate wealth.

9. Unnecessary and Aggressive Militarism as a Cornerstone of our Foreign Policy – Conservatives love war, because it gives them something other than the imprisonment of poor black people to cheer for. It also gives them yet another excuse to adorn the American flag on their articles of clothing.

8. Pre-Enlightenment Attitudes to Science – Conservatives are apparently still upset that the world has been proven beyond the slightest shred of doubt to not be flat. They’ve been tirelessly striking out against scientific advancement ever since.

7. Environmental Degradation – Conservatives want nothing more than to see the environment raped and pillaged to ensure the continuing, unabated profiteering of polluting industries.

6. Religious Indoctrination in Schools – Because kids can’t possible learn scientific ‘theories’ such as God’s having willed the world into existence, unless their school day is filled with Christian prayer.

5. The Lie that America is a Christian Nation – Despite many of the founding fathers being deists, agnostics or at least only casually religious, conservatives want to maintain our status as a ‘Christian Nation’ founded on ‘Christian ideals’ even though the constitution was specifically worded to reject this notion.

4. Sexual Inequality – Conservatives reject the notion that there should be equal opportunity among the sexes. After all, the Bible clearly states that women should be subservient to men, and the bible is the foundational document of our republic, right?

3. Racial Inequality – Along with Christianity, this country was founded on slavery. If conservatives are no longer allowed to enslave those uppity blacks, well they can at least build prisons and mandate harsh sentences for things like drug offenses which target poor blacks in cities. It’s also a good idea to reduce or eliminate federal tax dollars going to inner city schools, because improving education in these places might reduce the degree to which the deck is stacked in the favor of rich white children.

2. Shaming of and Hatred toward Homosexuals – Let’s face it, gays are icky. I think that’s actually what Jesus was quoted as saying in the bible. If we allow gays to openly exist in our society, God is going to punish us with stubbed toes and other tragedies. We need to fight this immorality, because if Steve and Mark get married, the entire institution of marriage is doomed, and the fabric of society will unravel. It’s in the bible.

1. Economic disparity – Let’s face it. More than religion, discrimination against others and dark-aged attitudes toward science, what conservatives really lust for is the idea that, not only do some people out there have less than they do, but this very fact that they have less will ruin their lives. Conservatives ‘work hard for their money’ and don’t want ‘dead beats’ to get said money to do unimportant things like feed their children or take care of them when they’re sick. After all, it’s ‘unamerican’ to ask that millionaires pay a tax rate equal to that of lower income Americans, because those millionaires have worked hard to game the system and find tax loopholes with which to build their wealth on the back of our entire society. To ask some great American like Mitt Romney to actually pay his fair share amounts to socialism. It’s in the fucking bible.


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